A Cynics Guide to Fall

Take your boyfriend to a pumpkin patch

The opportunity is here to do the things everyone looks forward to – the fall staples of pumpkin patching and apple picking! Bringing your boyfriend along is perfect. Have him foraging for the ideal pumpkin, and go get yourself some apple cider. Don’t forget to take the keys along. Take a drive while he looks for that perfect pumpkin, and maybe don’t go back.   

Cute instagrams

Smoldering looks and the colors of dying plant life are in on social media when fall rolls around. However the best way to up your “instagame” is having a beau by your side. But what if he isn’t into pictures? That’s okay. Sneak some when he isn’t looking. There’s nothing hotter than candids of your unphotogenic guy eating apple strudel! If that doesn’t work, try grabbing his face and forcing him into your photos. And if all else fails, dump him for a French model who will literally be your beau.   

Couples costumes

In this day and age, everyone has all the ideas in the world right at their fingertips. With Pinterest and Facebook, originality is a thing of the past. You can finally be that cute matching couple that looks #flawless. Trouble getting your boy on board? No problem. Invest in a wagon, rope, and research some scary costumes. Pulling your tied up boyfriend will be #sochic and no one will ever know he didn’t want to participate in the first place!

Pumpkin Spice Latte

Pumpkin spice lattes are the stereotypical girl staple. You get one and you’re “basic”… and your boyfriend won’t let you forget that. But you know what’s basic? That ugly striped shirt he wears every other day. Show him your true “simple” feelings and gently pour your orange latte over the white stripes. A seven nation army can’t even hold you back.

Cuddling by the fire

Cuddling by the fire can be one of the most romantic things there is, so why ruin it? Maybe he’s ready to leave, but that doesn’t mean you are. If your boy-toy tries to leave you, just push him in the fire. It’s a great time to practice stop, drop, and roll. Finally, the moment elementary school has been preparing you for arrives.

Halloween candy sales

After “accidentally” catching your boy on fire, he might need some space. Who do you go after Halloween candy shopping with now?

Yourself.

Buy as many bags of candy as you can afford. Melt the chocolate down and take a bath. Sticky but oh so good for your skin. Ignore the peanuts and caramel.

Scary movie marathons

The best way to conquer your fears is to face them. Scary movie marathons are the typical thrill people enjoy, but you want to push the envelope. Sneak into a prison and challenge them to a duel, and if they’re literally behind bars, rattle them some. It’ll get everyone riled up and excited. Better yet, pick a fight with a bike gang. Or maybe get into a crypt and look a corpse right in it’s rotting eyes. Checkmate fear factor.

Fall recipes

Ah comfort food…how the emotionally unstable have missed you. Kick up your Thanksgiving by finding the most obscure recipes ever. Kick it back to the 1960’s and divulge in foods like:

Curried fish in rice ring

Shrimp jello molds

Or how about some ham and bananas hollandaise?

Don’t forget to pumpkin spice everything! Pumpkin baked ham, pumpkin cake, pumpkin spice pizza. The list is endless. Anything can be spiced.

Sharing a pie with your split personalities

With all that baking you did, you may end up with an extra pie. After your boyfriend leaves you because you’re “completely crazy” and you “tried to kill him with fire,” you may not have anyone to share the pie with. Never fear. Your split personalities are here. No feeling badly about eating a pie by yourself when you’re never really alone anyway.

Camping

As a last toast to the season ending, try going camping. It doesn’t matter how cold it is. Be sure to bring lots of thanksgiving leftovers. If you leave them out, it’ll attract bears. A bear’s love and trust can be won with effort, so work at it for a long time.  Be sure to also get them more comfortable with being touched. Maybe do some hunting for them as no one can turn down a free meal. Lastly, make sure to bring them all their favorite food – pumpkin spice, just like you. If you get enough to befriend you, you can become the bear ruler. You fit in better with them anyways. Give up your humanity and just live with the bears. They’ll do the things your ex neglected to do.