Two Years Into The Trump Regime

*DISCLAIMER*
The following story is satire, meaning that it’s not meant to be taken seriously at all (it’s an entertainment piece), and it’s not representative of the opinion of MHS or the publications staff. It’s not meant to offend anyone. 

*END DISCLAIMER*

I creak open my tired eyes and look at my standard-issue limited edition official Make America Great Again Alarm Clock™. Trump’s smiling, spray-tanned-around-sunglasses face watches me as I sleep from my nightstand, wearing his Make America Great Again hat as always. January 20, 2019. Day 730 of Donald J. Trump’s reign; we’ve officially reached the two year mark. If you told me last February that I’d live to see this day, I would have laughed at you. So you may ask me, have we made America great again yet? I’d then ask you to define great. If great means that our economy has improved, world peace has been more or less established, and jobs have come back, then I’d have to tell you no. If great means that America has managed to somehow end all alliances and friendships it has outside of its now iron-fortified border and left the world in ruins, then I’d also have to tell you no—because if that were the case, we would have surpassed great a long time ago.

Next, I look out the window. The Wall™ can be seen looming ominously in the distance, its shadow coating America in ever-present darkness. I stand up and pledge allegiance to the Donald, as per the thirty-fifth amendment. I finish the pledge and walk into the kitchen, where I pour a bowl of Life cereal and turn on the television. I am unable to change the channel from Fox News until 2:00 P.M, when I can officially choose between The Apprentice 2: The President and Fox News. At this very moment, Trump is at the UN, and Fox is covering it live. He just attempted to fire the prime minister of Samoa, who is now asking his translator why the angry American man keeps repeating what he just said in a different order. After that outburst, I watch with a groan as China declares war on America. Again. Trump attempts to dissuade them from this by proclaiming repeatedly, “I love China. I really do. China’s great.” The Chinese President sits down and retracts his declaration of war, although he still assumes a furious look. Well, at least he prevented one conflict during his presidency.

I finish my cereal and walk outside. I walk to my garage and sigh as I open the door. I miss my car. I was mandated to trade it in for a Ford F-150 just months after Mr. Trump declared himself god-emperor of the world. I start my truck, and I drive through what used to be Bloomington. The square is desolate and dark. Most of it is rubble, a result of the bombings which were a result of Trump calling Vladimir Putin’s wife “hideous and smelly” during his State of the Union address. I turn right on red and drive by The Graveyard which is the name we gave to all the abandoned buildings that were once occupied by businesses and associations that have since been deported. Yes, deported. Taco Bell, mosques, abortion clinics, all of Trump’s business competitors…gone. Catapulted over the border like discarded trash. Some were left to the mercy of the ocean; some sent to Mexico; others vanished into thin air, covered up somehow. I arrive at my destination, get out of my pickup, and start walking to my lecture hall.

As I’m walking down the sidewalk, I hover my hand cautiously over my .50 caliber revolver. Everyone is required to carry a gun by the American Freedom Act; since the AFA was issued, gun violence has been completely eliminated. Since arming every good guy in the nation, bad guys have completely disappeared. These streets, nonetheless, are still treacherous. I have to watch out for people who might disagree with Donald Trump me politically. After all, there is something we can do about them, second amendment people. Luckily, I don’t see any pesky lib’rals dumb enough to show their face in my town, and I arrive at my lecture hall without any trouble.

I sit down and open my notebook. Ugh; another day of Science 101. We used to have specialized sciences, but that all got compressed into one class in order to lower the national debt. My professor approaches the board. His cowboy boots’ spurs clink and echo throughout the massive hall, and his ten gallon hat covers what he’s writing until he moves aside. Today’s topic is displayed on the chalkboard: “Global Warming Isn’t Real,” the board reads. Ah, of course, I think. I already knew this; easy day. After a slideshow of concrete evidence, accurate speculation, and a scientifically-sound analysis of meticulously nitpicked data, I close my notebook and start heading back home.

After another long day of college life in Trump-era America, I’m ready to relax and unwind at home. On the way to my apartment, I pass my neighbor, Wendy.

“Hey, Wendy!” I shout to her. “You’re a woman, therefore you are less than I am!” She smiles happily and nods in response. I smile and wave goodbye to her before going back into my apartment. I’m thankful for having such a good role model in our executive branch to teach me how to treat women.

After finishing my homework and watching Fox News again, I’m ready for sleep. I lay down in my bed and curl up in my Make America Great Again bedsheets and pajama pants. After I’m sure nobody is watching, I take out my pencil and chalk up another tally mark on the wall next to my bed. Two more years…

*DISCLAIMER AGAIN*
This story is satire, meaning that it’s not meant to be taken seriously at all (it’s an entertainment piece), and it’s not representative of the opinion of MHS or the publications staff. It’s not meant to offend anyone. 

*END DISCLAIMER*