The Worst People of The Hallway

The Hallway DJ

In 1958, John C. Koss, a jazz musician from Milwaukee, invented the first stereo headphones. Ever since then, we have been graced with the ability to enjoy our music quietly without being a public nuisance. The Hallway DJ cares not for this gift to society. The Hallway DJ lets you know exactly what music he’s listening to. He may even be wearing headphones, but it doesn’t matter. The headphones are around Mr. DJ’s neck on maximum volume blaring his choice of tunes. He wakes up every morning and constructs a playlist to make people think he’s awesome. Hallway DJs come in all shapes and sizes: the gangsta rapper, the misunderstood emo, the obnoxious juggalo, the edgy rebel, the guy who likes Nirvana too much, the country singer, I could go on, but you get the idea.

The Titanic Couple

“Never let go, Jack,” she whispers into his ear in their tender embrace.

“I love you, Rose,” he replies.

“I love you, too.” The one minute warning bell rings. They know what this means. They say their painful goodbyes and violently make out for 20 seconds before breaking their embrace. They will not see each other again for at least an hour and ten minutes. That thought painfully seeps into their minds as they walk away and blow kisses to one another. He turns the last corner as she steps into her classroom, holding back tears. As the door shuts behind her, her thoughts are on nothing but him.

The Sprinter

The Sprinter looks at the clock; ten seconds until class ends. He’s poised before the door in a starting block position. The clock ticks down in his head. To others, the noise which resounds through the hallway is a bell. To him, it is a starting pistol. He bounds through the hallway past his locker, immediately taking the lead. Most people are stopping at their locker. “Not I,” he thinks. He carries all of his materials to save precious hallway time. His stacks of books precariously balance in his arms as he takes his strides. He reaches his first major obstacle: the stairs. Taking the steps four at a time, he clears them in six seconds; below average, but still good enough. He turns the corner and sets his eyes on his target. His next classroom is in sight. He takes a daring leap into his class with only a measly four minutes and ten seconds left in the passing period. “Good run,” he thinks. “I only knocked seven people over this time.” He sits down at his desk and waits for the losers of the race to walk in with the smug grin of victory on his face.

The Linear Squad

The leader of the pack snaps his fingers. His posse of friends surrounds him, and they form a perfect horizontal line. This line spans the entirety of the hallway; these monsters have no regard for the rules. Unbreakable in their resolve, they engage in conversation and march forward. The screams of the people being crushed beneath their might do not register in their ears. They’re too focused on the conversation at hand; the conversation which requires linear positioning. If you see one of these, run. Run and never look back. Don’t become one of the victims. Some are neither seen nor heard from ever again; it is whispered that these poor souls still lie on the hallway floor in a cartoonishly flat state, suffering for eternity. The Linear Squad has no contempt for the innocent.

The Locker Block Party

A beach ball bounces above the congregation of heads around Johnny Awesome’s locker. This party takes up 98% of the hallway. Construction signs are used to divert hallway traffic and avoid a hallway traffic jam. The Hallway DJ feels at home here as he supplies the beats for the party. There are girls playing beach volleyball in bikinis behind Johnny’s locker, and a game of cornhole is beginning adjacent to it. Just as the party is starting up, however, Johnny Awesome abruptly finishes his locker visit, and the situation rapidly changes into a Linear Squad scenario as the drunk girl on the mechanical bull is left behind by the newly-formed Linear Squad.

The Guy Who Doesn’t Know How Doors Work

I can’t even think of a satirical action lead-in for this. You walk on the right side of the hallway; you go through the door on the right side of the hallway. If the right door is closed, you open it. There’s always someone who tries to avoid opening the door on his side and running into someone who’s following the rules; don’t do that! How hard is it to open a door? A push-to-open door, nonetheless? Just stay on the right side of the hallway and use the door on the right side of the hallway. It isn’t difficult.

But seriously…

It isn’t hard to have basic hallway etiquette. Keep your music down. Limit the PDA. Walk at a brisk pace. Don’t take up the entire hallway, whether you’re in a group around a locker or a bunch of friends walking to class. And last but definitely not least, walk on the right side of the hallway, and use the right door. Please. Thank you.